Back, for now

Well, a lot has happened since I last logged in here. I've been visiting old friends, finding clarity, remembering that I'm strong.

My husband has been struggling with depression and with health problems for a long time. I've been taking care of him for a long time. This has been tremendously hard for me, and in the process, no one has taken care of me. Honestly, my husband has been so preoccupied with his own needs and feelings that it has been as if I have none. None that matter, anyway. The fact that we haven't had sex in at least 9 years, maybe more, is only a small part of the problem, though I realize that it's a big part of the problem faced by some of the people who read this blog.

There have been several lynchpins to our relationship:

• It doesn't really matter how unhappy I am. That's not a problem.

• If I complain about being unhappy, that's a problem.

• I am not special. I am not attractive. I do not need to be treated like I am special or attractive. It's okay for me to be taken for granted, neglected, and rejected.

• On the other hand, I am good, kind, moral, and noble. Since I am, I will naturally take care of my husband and be responsible for absoutely everything in our lives.

• My husband is unable to assume full responsibility for anything because of his health problems. Despite my health problems, because I am strong, I am capable of handling everything, reminding him about what he needs to do, and fixing any problems caused by anything he neglects to do.

• While we both know that things are bad, nothing has to change, because my husband won't be responsible for himself as long as I am here to fix things and take care of things and take care of him. My only choices are to continue enduring or to leave.

• I have justified continuing to endure by telling myself I believe that, this time, he will keep his word. This time, he will take responsiblity for himself and live as a full-fledged adult. This time, he will qui making excuses for not having sex with me. This time, he will deal with his emotional issues, including his family issues.

I went away for four to five weeks. I spent the first week in one city with one set of friends and then went on to another city, where I stayed with a couple different people. The first was the man I've mentioned in the past. My husband, while wanting me to be faithful, of course, trusted me implicitly. And he was right to do so.

No affair.

Lots and lots of clarity, though. The man in question is an old, old friend. He knows me well. We spent the first two nights I was there talking about my husband. He knew what questions to ask. He made say things out loud that I didn't really want to admit to myself. The first thing he asked that was hard for me to deal with was "How did [your husband] handle it when you first started having health problems?"

I could barely whisper "Don't ask" without falling apart.

I didn't have an affair. My husband did when I first got sick, though, before we knew what was wrong with me, when we thought it was "just" depression. When he was "just" depressed before that and ended up in the hospital, I was there for him.

We never really dealt with all the things that went wrong when I was sick. I was too sick and too weak to leave. By the time I was starting to get well, he was sick. I've been taking care of him ever since.

Maybe part of the reason we don't have sex is that, in his mind, I've become his mother. Maybe he's grateful that I take care of him but also resentful that I do. That's not fair but is natural.

One thing I learned while I was away is that a lot of people were very glad to see me. A lot of people think I'm special. Some of them even think I'm attractive. They all believe I'm worth treating like a special person.

One in particular adores me. He's not available. Neither am I. As I said, we didn't have an affair. We never will. But knowing that I am loved, in any way, by someone whose love is so worth having has been amazing. Miraculous. A wonderful reminder of how it feels to be treated like I'm special. A wonderful reminder that I am. Special. Worthy.

And all the clarity also reminded me that I'm strong.

Another thing I learned while I was away was that I dreaded coming home like I haven't dreaded anything in a long time. Maybe ever. The last time I felt so bad about something as I did about going home, I was 19 and my father had just died.

Then I learned that I have friends who are willing to help me. I have friends who, even though they haven't seen me in years, are willing to let me stay with them until I can get a job and earn enough to get my own place. It started with my old friend. After a terrible fight with my husband, he asked if I was going home, and I said I had no choice, nowhere to stay, no job anywhere but where I lived, and that not enough to pay rent anywhere.

And he said that I could stay with him if I was only going home because I felt trapped. He said that even though it put him way outside his comfort zone, even though his girlfriend was not going to like it on a epic scale of not liking things.

And having someone care about me enough to put my being okay ahead of his own comfort and convenience, when he owed me nothing, was a revelation to me. My husband certainly would not do any such thing. He has behaved, and I have let him behave and have behaved myself, as if my needs don't matter and my being okay isn't even a subject for discussion.

Me? Okay? Of course I'm okay. I have to be.

It turns out that I don't have to be. And that's good, because another thing I realized while I was away is that I am not okay.

But being treated like I deserve to be made a difference. Having an option made a difference. And that one option, that one place to stay, gave me the confidence and optimism to ask other friends, friends whose SO's are not jealous of me.

There are six places I can stay. Everyone I've asked has said yes. Two members of my husband's family have offered to let me stay.

I'm back at home right now, waiting for my husband to get out of the hospital. When he's home and well and his parents have come to stay with him, I'm leaving.

I'm going to go stay with my friends, get a job, and save my money until I can get my own place. And then I'm going to get a place and live alone for three full months. At the end of three months, my husband and I can reassess where we are and whether we want to be together.

I hope that we're in a position for that to happen and that we both want it to.

I hope he chooses to work on his issues and to become self-sufficient and happy.

If he doesn't, we can't be together.

Because the new lynchpins of my life are:

• My feelings do matter, I need to be okay, and I have to take care of myself. No one else will do that for me, and it's not healthy for me to do it for anyone else (not healthy for me or them).

• I am special, attractive, and worthy.

• I really am strong. That means that I'm strong enough to be okay, even if I have to lose everything and start over.

• My husband is a good man who deserves to be happy. He can't be happy if I take care of him, and he won't take care of himself if I'm here. He needs to learn to take care of himself without me before it will be healthy for either of us for him to be with me.

• I can't make him okay, but I can make myself okay and give him the chance to be okay.

• Whatever the outcome of me leaving turns out to be, it will be better than the outcome of me staying.

• I can do this.