Love having this blog

I really do need this space to say things that I can't say anywhere else and work through feelings of the kind that one is not supposed to admit to having.

That last entry and the comments it received really helped me face what I was feeling, explore it, and deal with it. I find myself realizing that it is the attention, rather than the source, I was responding to. I want and need that kind of attention from my husband, only with waaaay less ambiguity than the attention from my old friend. I neither want nor need it from the old friend.

Obviously, things need to change between my husband and me.

But having really admitted to what I was feeling about my old friend has helped me realize that a] that was something I could get past and b] it was never really about him at all. As I said in a comment, if I had to avoid him to remain faithful, that was really an issue with my marriage.

And now, it feels (again) like an issue with my marriage, not an issue with him. The temptation to have an affair vanished like dawn's mist in the morning sun once I articulated that, once I realized that what was tempting was being found attractive, being treated like a woman--hell, just being noticed.

What I need is for my husband to stop being self-conscious and focusing on his own feelings of awkwardness, and if indeed he notices me, to let that show. And while I fervently hope that that will change before I leave, if it doesn't, I feel confident that some time apart will help the process along.

I am feeling so much more optimistic than I have in a very long time.

Thanks, anonymous blog--and thanks, Stormy!