Married, not dead

Lo, these many years ago when I was young and beautiful, or at least young and not-hideous, I stopped by the record store (yes, records; I said it was lo, these many years ago, didn't I?) and coffee shop where my friend worked. I was wearing a strapless sundress and, being young and not-hideous, my hair was right and my make-up was right, and so on. I believe I was blonde at the time, too, though I'm not sure that's relevant.

My friend commented that the owner of the business had been looking at me (I hadn't noticed) and she thought he was thinking lustful thoughts. I said, "Oh, don't be silly, he's married."

She looked at me like I was perhaps a little slow and said, "He's married, he's not dead." Privately, since he was nearly 20 years older than I and hardly knew me, and was married, I thought I hoped she was wrong and that, if not, ick.

As far as the lusting after slight acquaintances who are 20 years your juniors, still ick.

I have discovered, though, that being married does not, after all, mean being dead to the attractions of other people. Most of my married life, I haven't had much interest in anyone but my husband, and I'm not really the lusting-after-acquaintances kind.

And I won't ever be having an affair, nor have I ever had one or given any serious thought to having one.

But there are men I've--noticed--over the years. There are men I've never forgotten. There have been a few men I've noticed noticing me, and when that isn't off-putting (that is, attention from a man in whom I would never be interested), I have to admit that it is very attractive.

Like more than one other married woman, I sometimes find myself feeling less than attractive--and the best cure for that is the attention of an attractive man. I don't ever set out to make a man feel attracted to me, but I find that I'm not very disciplined about avoiding men who seem to find me attractive, either. Right or wrong, I might even seek it out, just a little, volunteering to work an extra day I know the man is working, choosing the man to ask for help with something rather than asking someone else...because if feels good to feel attractive, to feel alive that way, to feel sought after. It's never going anywhere--and no one has ever had any doubt about that.

But it is nice to be reminded that I'm not dead, either to these feelings or in the eyes of other men.

Very nice.

Recently, whether this is because I am feeling more like a sexual person, the cause of that, or (more likely) both, it seems there are a number of men on my mind, some from the past (but still around), some from the present. They are very much on my mind, and each is special in his own way, and because this is my space, my blog-as-journal, I think I may spend some time writing about them. As I said at the beginning, at least writing things down will help me get my feelings sorted.