Blog as journal

Maybe no one will ever read this blog. I don't know how to meet people or attract readers here starting from scratch.

It's all right with me if no one ever does. I like comments. I love comments. I like to interact with people. I like to meet new people.

This blog is my place to say what's on my mind about topics I don't usually discuss, though. It's my place to be free and express thoughts I normally keep to myself. If it turns out that I'm still keeping them to myself because no one ever reads, then it does. Writing them down will still help me get them sorted and make me feel I've expressed myself.

After my parents divorced, my mother lived practically a cloistered existence where men were concerned. She was a socially active, successful professional but never dated. She's just not that into dating. She's not that into sex or talking about sex or feeling healthy about sex. She feels that it's our mission to overcome any sexual feelings we might have.

As you might expect from that, she didn't talk much about any sexual feelings she had. I have certainly talked about sex with my friends over the years, although I'm not really into sharing details of what who did with whom and exactly what body parts did which. But I don't have a lot of female friends who are older than I am. I don't have any older sisters.

For whatever reason, I have arrived at my forties completely unprepared for what a very sexual age they would be, if only mentally.

I was warned that I might need to worry about peri-menopause, which hasn't been a factor. I was told to expect gravity to work, and wow, it does. I was told that I might have a teenager's complexion and my periods might be irregular.

But I did not expect that I would so come into my own when it comes to sex. I think about sex more than ever. I want to have sex more than ever, and I always wanted to have sex more than many women. But now, I am grown up. I look back on lovers past and think "If I had known then what I know now, if I had been as unafraid then as I am now, if you had been as unafraid then as I am now - wow!"

How is that I'm here at what is supposed to be the age of encroaching sexual decrepitude as randy as a teenager but more intense and centered? Where did this rush of sexuality come from?

Is this age-related? Or is the result of my current state of abstinence? Has the enforced period of no sex in my life resulted in making it the focus of so many of my thoughts?

Is it the sudden presence of men from the past and present, men I find exciting and interesting and arousing, men who are all unavailable to me for one reason or another but who show interest, anyway?

How did everything become all about sex? And why do I love that so much?